If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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