Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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