I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
