I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
