Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
we should paint friendship bongs
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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