I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
