Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
