this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
