Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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