I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
