help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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