she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
