god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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