He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
