you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just want nice things and good sex
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
