i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
