You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
