paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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