I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Randomize
