this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
