I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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