It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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