I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
