Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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