I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
