he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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