first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
