I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize