The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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