Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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