I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
