Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize