If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
