Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
