theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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