I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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