He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
