HIV tests are more positive than that guy
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
