He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
