i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
