I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
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