I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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