Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
