i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
