just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
