so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
