we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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