I think I won the penis lottery.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
