Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You have to summon your inner elephant
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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