Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
nutella sex= disaster
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
