My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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