I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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