I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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