I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
All I want is dick and wine.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
