Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
